By capturing the details leading up to what Amnon did against Tamar, the Lord makes it possible for generations of humanity to know the signs of rape and rapists.

Rapists rely on isolating their victims in hopes of cornering and overpowering them. Our chance to recognize and try to escape this predicament centers on identifying predators and avoiding them. This can make it harder for them to subdue their victims.

Since the bulk of rape survivors are like Tamar — female and familiar with their rapist — revisiting her story will shed insights on how to avoid today’s “Amnons.” (The article referenced refers to rape survivors as women only for the ease of reading and not to minimize the experience of men, who make up 10% of rape victims).

1. Not All Love Is Equal

Amnon claimed that he loved Tamar, his half-sister (2 Samuel 13:1,4,15). Most English translations of the Bible explained Amnon as falling in love with her, or simply that he loved her.

The closest interpretation of the Hebrew word used in these verses — aheb — is that he was “infatuated” with his half-sister (CSB, HCSB). Interestingly, aheb has a few meanings, including “human love to human object.”

The Hebrew meaning of these verses exposes how Amnon objectified Tamar. His feelings for her were akin to lusting after an extremely invaluable object beyond his reach — not a delicate damsel or lovely girl. No wonder Amnon resorted to devious tactics to try and seize her.

Love and lies don’t mix. That’s because true love — the kind that would sacrifice itself for the benefit of the one it loves (John 15:13) — requires no scheming to express itself.

Translation: Beware of men who lie their way to your side, claiming love or mutual consent.

2. Manipulation

Amnon had to finagle a way to get Tamar to visit him because the king’s children dwelled in different abodes. Under the pretext of illness, he petitioned their father, King David, to send Tamar and her culinary skills his way.

However, after Tamar kindly accommodated him, Amnon dismissed everyone except her (2 Samuel 13:9).

Translation: Question anyone who ramps up intimacy and coerces isolation:

• “I’ve erased my online dating profile. I know it’s fast, but I feel like we have an undeniable connection.”
• “I’ve slept with a lot of girls. Nobody has ever made me feel like you do.”
• “I just want to be with you. The two of us, me and you, without anyone around us.”

It’s understandable if we feel cherished when a guy wines and dines us and drops everything just to linger in our presence.

But when he repeatedly goes out of his way to make a show of it, forcing a strong connection right away, reserve an antenna or two to gauge possible ulterior motives.

3. Control

Let’s analyze what happened to Tamar that was in no way her fault. She went through the hassle of traveling to Amnon’s castle, on her father’s, the king, orders. She kneaded the dough, baked the bread, and served it in a pan.

But the man she was obligated to serve for refused to eat it and instead, expelled everyone.

Notice these different translations as they describe the unfolding scene (2 Samuel 13:10):

• “Then [Amnon] said to Tamar, ‘Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here.’ So Tamar took his favorite dish to him” (NLT).
• “Then Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother” (ESV).
• “Amnon told Tamar, ‘Bring the food into my private bedroom, so I can eat it with you personally.’ So Tamar took the cakes she had prepared and brought them into the private bedroom for her brother Amnon” (ISV).

First, Amnon faked an illness to coerce his sister to bake him a treat in his house. Then he applied flattery (ISV) to isolate her in his bedroom — and insisted she was to feed him with her hand (ESV).

See how Amnon controlled Tamar again and again?

Translation: Guard against any man who thrives on manipulation. His controlling maneuvers might steamroll your selfless service — just like Tamar experienced.

4. The Lure of Labels

Amnon, his wicked counselor and cousin, as well as his own father, kept referring to Tamar as his sister (2 Samuel 13: 5-7). Even the narrator did similarly: “so Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon” (2 Samuel 13: 8).

Perhaps the repeated familial reference is to emphasize how unsuspecting Tamar was of Amnon, in light of their shared DNA.

It’s tragic that most rapes are perpetrated by someone the victim knows.

Translation: Don’t sacrifice your safety at the altar of his charisma. Vet him fully — even if the man claims he’s a Christian or has labels that convey moral superiority.

5. What Does God Say?

Out of obedience to David, who compelled her to cook for Amnon, Tamar complied. But that’s the extent of David’s instructions; he never taught her to heed Amnon’s every beck and call.

Therefore, when Amnon refused to eat her cake and threw everyone out instead (v.9), Tamar had every right to leave. Out of politeness that women have been taught to observe, she stayed.

Translation: If something doesn’t feel right — as in if your gut and the Holy Spirit are alerting you that something is wrong — obedience to God trumps any obligation to stay. Feel free to speak up and leave that situation.

6. Generational Sins

Have you wondered how David could’ve missed Amnon’s real motive? When Amnon requested his assistance to snare Tamar, how could the man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14, Acts 13:22) have failed to ferret out Amnon’s real intentions? Wasn’t David “anointed by the God of Jacob, the sweet psalmist of Israel” (2 Samuel 23:1, ESV)?

The answer lies in David’s own sexual sin.

Before Amnon raped David’s daughter, David himself had raped another man’s daughter — a woman named Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11: 1-5).

Translation: Unless we stop the influence of past generations from indirectly steering the course of our lives, this factor — more than any of the previous ones — can leave a backdoor access to sexual predators.

Some inner healing ministries call this action breaking generational curses; within Internal Family Systems, the therapy I practice, this step is known as legacy unburdening. Choose whichever route feels more acceptable and flee from this bondage.

7. Rape’s Traumatic Impact

After he incestuously raped Tamar, Amnon “hated [Tamar] exceedingly” (2 Samuel 13:15). He also evicted her from his house, making it appear as though she was the culprit and therefore deserving of scorn. Tamar suffered in exile afterward (2 Samuel 13:20).

This unfair turn of events often reoccurs with other survivors. It’s typical for rape victims to develop shame and other emotional burdens when it’s the rapist who should be convicted.

Translation: If someone has assaulted you, it’s possible you’ve had to battle shame, hurt, or guilt. You can try to self-heal, but the impact of rape lasts longer than even terrorism.

Professionals — like skilled trauma therapists — completed rigorous training so we can assist you in overcoming this caliber of trauma. Unprocessed trauma is relentless in driving us to commit one dysfunctional behavior after another.

A Path to Healing

As a former counseling center director, I’ve witnessed God redeem the lives of many sexual abuse survivors. God doesn’t play favorites (Acts 10:34-35); as such, you can expect Him to deliver the same hopeful future for you.

This is true even if the Church has let you down. The Lord is eager to heal your broken heart, comfort your sorrow, renew your hope, heal your body, and bind up your grief (Psalm 147:3, AMP, CEV, LSV).

May God’s soothing grace free you fully from the trauma of rape.